I've Been Snubbed

Throughout my life I have suffered many a sling and arrow of outrageous fortune, but none has hurt me to the quick as has the Methodists’ failure to reappoint me their judge for the upcoming Pie Festival on Oct. 12.

For those of you who read my column, you know how proud I was a year ago when I, a Jew and a recent immigrant, was named a judge by the Methodist powers that be. In what until then was a rather uneventful life, this singular honor might well have been the highlight. To think I was given the power to decide which lemon pie was Malibu’s best.  It just doesn’t get any better than that.

So now I am left to wonder what I did wrong not to deserve this honor two years running.  I have come up with three possible theories that might explain why I’ve been snubbed. 

1) It is true I spread a rumor that Sandy, the Methodist minister, looked Jewish and might well be a member of my tribe. My defense for circulating this untruth is----I have no defense. Mea Culpa! 

2) Coming from New Jersey, I declared in this very Malibu Patch that I was open to a bribe.  For the right price I might very well declare one baker better than another.  I am sad to say not a single Malibuite took me up on this generous offer. 

3) I judged all six or seven pies identically.  I apparently don’t have a refined palate and was unable to differentiate amongst the entrants.  In other words, my judging accounted for naught. 

I want it known that even though I have been slighted, I have every intention of attending this year’s pie festival. To pie or not to pie isn’t even a question worth contemplating.  To pie is the answer. See you at the festival!