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Punxsutawney Groundhog Doesn't See His Shadow

A satirical look at current events!

Punxsutawney Groundhog Doesn't See His Shadow:  Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog from Gobbler’s Knob, Pennsylvania, emerged from his cozy home before 20,000 people to perform his yearly duty and saw his shadow, which means the frigid weather is about to come to an end.  The outcome came in question, however, after it was disclosed that Punxsutawney Phil is being treated for cataracts.

Jim Nabors Marries Long-Term Boyfriend:  Actor and musician Jim Nabors told Hawaii News Now that he has married Stan Cadwallader, his boyfriend of 38 years, at a hotel in Seattle this month.  And the proud couple says they don’t really care what Jim’s neighbors think.

Mission to Drag Asteroid to the Moon:  Researchers in California have confirmed that NASA is considering a mission to capture an asteroid and drag it into the moon's orbit for study.  At which time it would then be classified as an asteroid in drag.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Outbreak Of Brain Cancer Found in West Coast Raccoons:  The Centers for Disease Control is reporting that there is an outbreak of brain cancer in west coast raccoons which is being linked to a newly discovered virus.  Wildlife officials say the real tragedy is that a raccoon’s face can mask the symptoms.

Ray Lewis May Have Used Deer Antler Extract:  Its being reported that Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis may have used the performance-enhancing substance deer antler extract.  The only known side effects are that it makes you “horny.” 

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Surfer May Have Broken Record Riding 100-Foot Wave:  Surfer Garrett McNamara has reportedly broken a world record by becoming the first person to ride a 100-foot wave off the coast of Nazaré, Portugal.  Thank goodness someone finally did it!  That let’s me off the hook. 

Tennessee Pitbull Owner Tries to Put Dog to Sleep for Being Gay:  A Pitbull in Tennessee barely escaped being put to sleep after his owner noticed the dog "hunched over" another male dog, which made him think that the dog was homosexual.  Good grief, you’d think he could have at least first tried to send the poor dog through Marcus Bachman's "gay conversion therapy" clinic.  

Aging Brain Impairs Sleep Needed for Memory:  A report in Nature Neuroscience suggests that natural physical changes in the aging brain interfere with quality sleep, blunting the brain’s ability to remember new information for the long term.  New information?  Hell, I’d be happy just to remember some of the old information.

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