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Woman Steals, Then Crashes Train in Stockholm

A satirical look at current events!

Woman Steals, Then Crashes Train in Stockholm:  A woman stole an empty commuter train from a depot and drove it to a suburb of Stockholm where it derailed and slammed into an apartment building, officials said.  In related news, Lindsay Lohan swears that she has never been to Stockholm.

Mars Rover Begins Its Work:  NASA reports that Mars rover Curiosity landed on Mars in August and has spent the last six months testing its instruments while traveling roughly a quarter of a mile since landing.  A quarter of a mile in six months?  I’ll never complain about LA freeways again.

Meaning of the Cracks in Washington Monument:  Televangelist Pat Robertson is suggesting that cracks found in the Washington Monument caused by last year’s earthquake could be a sign from God that we’re closer to the coming of the Lord.  Or, it could simply mean that Pat Robertson’s completely insane.

Mauled Woman Gets Face Transplant:  A Connecticut woman mauled by a chimpanzee in 2009 has received a full face transplant, the third surgery of its kind performed in the USA.  Sadly, surgeons chose to use a chimpanzee for a donor face.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Treasury Rules Out Trillion Dollar Platinum Coin:  In response to an idea being floated by some journalists, the Treasury says it will not be minting a trillion-dollar platinum coins to get around the debt ceiling and pay off the government's bills.  Good thing!  Can you imagine the carnage when someone puts one of those in a vending machine and it suddenly starts spitting out change?

Britain's First Hand Transplant a Success:  A British grandfather who recently received the country's first hand transplant has already gained movement of his fingers following the operation.  Doctors report the surgery was so successful, the man was able to give his insurance company the finger for refusing to pay for the operation. 

Robot Breaks Speed Record:  The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency has revealed a new robot, called “Cheetah,” capable of running 18mph, a record for a machine with legs.  Skeptics claim the robot used performance-enhancing software. 

Armstrong Admits Doping to Oprah:  Saying his "mythic, perfect story" was "one big lie," Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah that he took banned drugs and blood transfusions throughout his legendary cycling career, including during all seven of his Tour de France victories.  When asked why he didn’t come clean sooner, Armstrong said he just didn’t have the cojones to do it.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Fecal Transplants Show Promise:  A new study has found that an infusion of feces from a healthy person into an ailing patient’s gut was more effective than antibiotic treatment.  But doctors caution patients not to take crap from just anyone.

Lance Armstrong Interview Gives OWN Network a Boost:  Oprah Winfrey's interview with Lance Armstrong gave her struggling OWN network a big shot in the arm as 3.5 million viewers tuned in.  Like most Americans, I was torn between wanting to see Lance confess and never, ever wanting to watch OWN.

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