Robber Laughed Out of Hair Salon: A 29-year-old man from Baltimore has been arrested after attempting to rob a hair salon in Annapolis, Maryland when the receptionist noticed that his "gun" looked suspiciously like fingers, causing her to laugh uncontrollably until he simply gave up and left. Police say when they confronted the suspect, he gave them the finger without incident.
Woman Arrested After Throwing Shoe At Hillary in Las Vegas: A woman was taken into federal custody after throwing her shoe at Hillary Clinton as the former Secretary of State began a Las Vegas convention keynote speech. Fortunately, all the Secret Service agents who were still sober immediately seized the shoe and wrestled it right to the ground. Analysts say this could pretty much make Hillary a shoe-in in next election.
Survey Probes Popularity of Porn: A new survey by Cosmopolitan Magazine found that over 30% of men say they watch porn every day and a whopping 71% say they watch porn at least once a month. Good grief, if you want to watch gorgeous women using really nasty language, why not just turn on Fox News when they’re discussing Obamacare?
Scientists Grow Viable Lab-Grown Vaginas: In the latest success creating replacement organs, scientists report that lab-grown vaginas, made from a woman’s own cells, have been successfully transplanted into four females. Of course, there’s always going to be those who still prefer free-range over lab-grown vaginas.
Joe Biden to Travel to the Ukraine: The White House announced thatVice President Joe Biden will be traveling to Ukraine to stress US support for Kiev amid a crisis with neighboring Russia. If they’re sending Biden, the State Department must have determined that what the people of the Ukraine need most is a good laugh.
CDC To Investigate More Cruise Ship Sickness Outbreaks: In yet another blow to the industry, the CDC plans to send investigators to discover why over 300 people on three cruise ships come down with vomiting and diarrhea in just one week. Its become so bad, that about the only people interested in cruises these days are anorexics and bulimics.
Texas Woman Arrested After Telling Police She was Sold Bad Pot: Police have arrested a Texas woman who complained to them that a drug dealer sold her a bad batch of marijuana and then refused to give her a refund. Yet another example of why its so important to keep your receipts.
Florida Woman Arrested in Topless Rampage at McDonald’s: A bare-breasted woman wearing only bikini bottoms entered a Florida McDonald's and when an employee asked her to put on some clothes, she refused and began overturning the restaurant equipment. When police confronted the woman, she told them that she was just “hanging out,” but witnesses say it was pretty obvious that the woman had something she wanted to get off her chest.