Matty's Movies: 'The Not So Great Gatsby'

Books. What are they good for?

Absolutely nothing.

For any of you out there that are fans of my column, you already know how I feel about books. But just in case I'm getting any new, first time readers, I'd like to tell YOU PERSONALLY how I feel about books. Books suck. They're the worst. Books are for nerds. And of course, the movie is ALWAYS better than the book.

I can't stress this point enough, but I'll try. If I were in prison with Andy Dufresne and "Red" Redding, I would want the warden to shut down 'Brooks Hall' and take all the books (including "The Count of Monte Cristo, by Alexander Dumas) out into the prison yard and have a big old fashioned book-burning party.

Are you getting my point? Are you catching my drift here? Well, just in case you haven't, I'll say it again. Books suck out loud.

So, what did I think when I heard that they were making "The Great Gatsby" into a feature film? Well, I was just thrilled because now I didn't have to read that dumb book.

Being a professional movie reviewer, many, many people come up to me looking for my opinion on films. They'll walk up to me and ask, "Matty, did you see "Life of Pi"?" And I'll say, "Are you kidding me? Of course I did! I loved it!" And they'll say, "I want to see it, I loved the book." And I'll say, "They made a book out of that movie? And why would you want to read the book if there's already a movie about it? What are you, an idiot? Just throw the book away and go see the movie already, you cheap bastard!" And then they'll usually flip me the bird, and walk away saying, "You suck Matty!" And I'll say, "Oh yeah, you know what else sucks? Books!"

Yeah, I don't like books. (and apparently from that last paragraph, I'm beginning to think to I don't like people either.)

Anyways, back to "Gatsby". If you're one of those few idiots who actually read the book then you already know what its about. But if you're a normal person, (like me) then you didn't read it and were most likely just waiting for the
movie to be made.

Let me tell you "my version" of what it was about.

The year is 1922. A young man named Nick Carraway (Tobey Maguire) lives on Long Island, across the river from his cousin, Daisy (Carey Mulligan) and her husband Tom Buchanan. (Joel Edgerton)... Nick also lives right next door to the title
character, Jay Gatsby. (Leonardo DiCaprio)

Gatsby is in love with Daisy, and has been for years, but he was poor and didn't think he was good enough for her, so he went into the army. While he was away they wrote each other, but after five years, he never came back. Daisy eventually married Tom.

Gatsby still wants Daisy, so he gets a job with some gangsters and makes some serious loot by bootlegging. (Alcohol, not movies.) He throws these extravagant parties where all the big-wigs show up. Mayors, law enforcement, hoodlums, musicians, dancers, and basically anybody who wants come to these parties, comes. Gatsby's doing all this to impress Daisy.

Nick Carraway is Gatsby's conduit to Daisy. If you don't understand that, well, he's kind of like his pimp. He hooks him up with his cousin and in turn, he gets to rub
elbows with high society. (the wealthy people, not the magazine.)

Of course Daisy's husband Tom finds out and it all hits the fan. But HE'S cheating too, so what the hell. Nick's caught up in the middle of all this, and Gatsby's a complete
mess, and blah, blah, blah, there's your story. The end.

There's a few things I left out.
Gatsby's a complete liar, Nick's a complete drunk, Tom's a complete headcase and Daisy's a complete knockout.

Now it's my turn to give you my notes on this film.

First off, I found the acting to be fantastic. The four main characters, along with Isla Fisher, Elisabeth Debicki, and Jason Clarke were all excellent in their roles. My problem is this, you can put all these wonderfully talented actors into a Gremlin, but in the end, they're still going to be driving around in a Gremlin.

Secondly, seriously? Did you HAVE to make a movie about the "Roaring Twenties" in 3D? Come on now, in the 20's they didn't even have talking films yet! You didn't need this in 3D. You could've just asked me for an extra ten bucks and said, "Hey, I wanna steal from you. Can I have some money?" I would've found that more admirable.

Thirdly, (and this is very minor) In a scene in the beginning, Daisy briefly seems to think that her cousin Nick may be in love with her. She seems to like this... Is it me or
has hooking up with your relatives become en vogue. Maybe it was just the thing to do back in the old days. I mean, I've seen a lot of movies where it's happened. ("Gladiator", "Great Balls of Fire", "Joe Dirt") Hey, I'm all for falling in love, but that's just a little too weird, even for me.

Before I go any further, I want to say that I did not hate this film. (it was okay.) There were some great parts to this movie. The soundtrack was cool. Jay-Z was all over it. I loved all his songs... Although, I did find it somewhat odd that a movie about the roaring twenties was littered with rap tunes by Jay-Z.

Aesthetically, this film was beautiful. I'd say it was one of the prettiest films I've seen in a long time. The outfits were great. The ladies dresses were over the top, and what I wouldn't do to get my hands on some of the suits Gatsby was wearing. They were dapper.

And the sets were beautiful. The landscapes too. And the party scenes at Gatsby's house were spectacular. Everything was to excess. There were people drinking and dancing, stiffs falling into pools, and dames and dolls everywhere. I know for a fact that I would've been kicked out of so many of his shin-digs. I would've been all biffed to the gills, rolling up on everyone's gals and just being loud, rude, and obnoxious. Yup, I would've had a blast. One thing though, and I know this may be politically incorrect, but its the best way for me to get the picture
I'm seeing in my head into your head. I wish the dancers all danced, well..... I don't know.... gayer. Like, I wish the girls would've been kicking their legs backwards while smiling GIANT smiles and staring each other in the face while also moving their hands around in syncronicity like they were washing windows. And I wish there would've been a bunch of guys in tuxedos, top-hats and canes coming down Gatsby's stairs all in sync, a la that scene from "Blazing Saddles". ("Throw out you hands, stick out your tush!")

I mean, I think that would've made watching the party scenes that much funner... I don't know, maybe I'm reading into this too much.

You know what else I liked? Daisy Buchanan. She was CUTE...AS...A...BUTTON! And I loved that cute little freckle on her face.

Hmmm, what else? Oh, I liked that me and Leonardo comb our hair the same way. We part it on the same side and everything!

Oh, and especially like that I never read this book. Everyone tells me it's a classic, a masterpiece. Well, I can tell you (with powerful conviction) as an avid book-hater, this novel must've been a classical masterpiece-of-crap.

Hey, I'm sorry. So I don't like books. I'm a movie guy. Always have been, always will be. Like I said before, the movie is ALWAYS better than the book. That being said, if I think this movie is only "Okay" at best, then just imagine how horribly terrible the book must be. The big question now becomes: What would you rather do, waste six months of you life reading a book? Or two hours of your life seeing a movie.

I think we all know the answer to that.
Let's close the book on this subject. (and then burn it.)

Matty W. Kelley, A Seat Apart Productions, reporting.

Fun Fact: One person, and ONLY ONE
PERSON wrote "The Great Gatsby". His name: F. Scott
Fitzgerald.

Fun Matty Fact: This is MY fact, and
I'm always right, so I know it is a fact: It took an army of people
to make the movie "The Great Gatsby". And everything is
better when many people work together on something. Am I right? Yes
I'm right. For example: The new World Trade Center is going to be
beautiful when it is finished. Do you think it would be as beautiful
if JUST ONE PERSON made it, OR if many, many people used teamwork and
made it? Correct, many, many people. Same goes with books and films.

And that's why the movie will ALWAYS be
better than the book.... Your Honor, I rest my case.