Burt's Eye View: 5 New Years Resolutions

I have no idea who came up with the idea of making resolutions for the New Year, but I wish he hadn’t. I don’t see any point in making resolutions which I have absolutely no chance of honoring. I may not be resolute, but I come by this lack of resolve honestly. My mother Rose for the last 60 years of her life went on a diet religiously every Monday morning only to go off that very same diet by Monday evening.     

Below are just some of the resolutions I have made for the year 2013 and a commentary on each.  

1) I will not call my friends back East when I know they are experiencing horrible weather and ask them how the weather is.                  

There is no way I have any intention of following through on this resolution. I will break it the very first time I hear a snow storm has hit the East Coast. I plan on calling everybody I know and immediately and innocently asking them how their weather is. I will act thoroughly surprised and distraught by what they are going through. In return, I trust they will ask me how the weather is here in Malibu, and I will tell them it is sunny and in the mid 70’s even if it isn’t. They will hopefully think I am a genius for moving here.  

2) I will watch what I eat and will not eat sweets after dinner.                      

I always watch what I eat. I watch the food on my plate and its trajectory directly into my mouth. Honoring that part of the resolution is no problem. As for not eating sweets after dinner, I can honor that so long as there are no sweets in my house or in driving distance.  

3) I will greet all with a glad hand and a hearty smile.                       

I don't think so. Get real. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.  

4) I will try hard to become a true Californian eating lots of fruit and vegetables, and Mexican food including cilantro. I will proclaim “awesome” every chance I get, and surf the waves morning, noon and night.      

I will eat meat and potatoes, and will eat soap before I eat cilantro. The word “awesome” will never leave my lips, and if you see somebody who looks like me surfing the waves, trust me when I tell you it isn’t me.  

5) I will not make New Year’s resolutions next year.       

Of course I will.

If you plan on making a New Year's resolution you have no intention of honoring, please share it with a comment.