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Burt's Eye View: Anthony Weiner

It’s extremely difficult, possibly impossible for me to write a humor column without at least one time mentioning Anthony Weiner, New York City’s mayoral candidate who has a compulsion to show photos of his crown jewels to complete strangers.  Had his parents named him Anthony Schmuck, the name couldn’t have been more on point than Anthony Weiner.  We can only thank the Gods of comedy for his conduct.

Anthony, a/k/a Carlos Danger (I couldn’t make this stuff up if I wanted to), is most assuredly not the only public servant who can be cited for less than exemplary sexual behavior. Unfortunately, the list of deviants is too long for this column, but I will try to cite just a few other political figures whose conduct was, let us say, “inappropriate.” I would have preferred to say “abnormal,” but this kind of conduct is so commonplace, “abnormal” might not be an apt term.
 
1)  Governor Sanford of South Carolina told his aides he was taking a hike in the mountains, when, in fact, he actually went to Argentina to see his lover. He never told his aides the mountains he was referring to were the Andes.

Upon his return, he declared that the Argentinian was his “soul mate,” not exactly something you utter when your wife and the mother of your children is still very much alive.  She then ironically told Sanford to take a hike. In any case, he rediscovered religion, sought forgiveness, and I gather the voters of South Carolina are far more forgiving than his ex since they elected him to Congress.
 
2) Governor Elliott Spitzer of New York resigned after it was discovered he had had many trysts with call girls. As Attorney General he had prosecuted prostitution rings, so when he was caught with his proverbial pants down, he had little choice but to resign. Spitzer comes from a very wealthy family which might explain why he could afford something like $4,000 an encounter—a sum that didn’t even include the mini bar at the hotel which was an extra. Of course, Spitzer is also running for office again and hopes to be New York City’s Comptroller. It’s hard to believe the voters will elect somebody to handle the City’s finances when he didn’t insist on the mini bar being included.
 
3) When Spitzer resigned, he was replaced by his Lieutenant Governor David Paterson, who is legally blind. Wanting to wash his dirty laundry fast, he announced soon after being sworn in that he too had engaged in an adulterous relationship. Astute political pundits were perplexed by his confession when all Paterson had to do was to explain, “I am blind and the woman felt like my wife.”
 
4) Another former governor of New York, Nelson Rockefeller  (I hope this is not what Billy Joel meant when he sang about a “New York State of Mind”) also had an adulterous affair after serving as this country’s Vice President.  By the way, being a Rockefeller, Nelson could well afford the $4,000 price Spitzer paid. The affair was more than Nelson could obviously tolerate, because during coitus (there might be children reading this), Nelson expired from a heart attack.  Nelson’s wife Happy was not very happy about all of this and had his body cremated before an autopsy could be performed.
 
5) Lest you think this conduct is an East Coast kind of thing, let’s not forget our former governor, “The Terminator.” Going all the way for the Hispanic vote, he impregnated his housekeeper.  Arnold  apparently inspired  presidential candidate John Edwards, who also had a child out of wedlock, but in Edwards’ case, his wife was fighting  cancer at the time, which made his conduct even more despicable, if that is possible.   I think we might have reached the bottom of the barrel, but there are more, always more.
 
6) The Mayor of San Diego, California’s second most populated city, has offended almost every woman with whom he has come into contact.  Groping seems to give “His Honor” the most satisfaction. He refuses to resign—something which virtually everybody else wishes he would do yesterday.  He recently announced he is going to take a two week refresher course on how to become a human being.
 
7) Since gays are now equal before most of us, let’s remember they don’t get a free pass on indecent behavior. The United States Senator from Idaho spent considerable time tap dancing in the men’s rooms of airports until he tapped on the shoe of an undercover police officer.  He has never come out of the closet, but he did come out of the men’s room, under arrest, and never ran for office again.
 
8) New Jersey’s Governor James McGreevy announced to the press corps with his wife and parents standing shell shocked by his side that he was gay and resigning his office.  He had appointed his lover to head New Jersey’s Homeland Security even though he was neither an expert in security nor a citizen of this country. Apparently McGreevy felt he had other qualifications.  My tribe has a word for this-- “chutzpah,”  the Jewish word for audacity. McGreevy has entered a seminary and hopes to become a priest. 

All this unseemly behavior from public officials is nothing new.  Jack Kennedy with his mob girls and college co-eds set a low standard and, of course, Bill Clinton was no better even though he never had sexual relations with that woman. At least he explained to us what the meaning of “is” is.

We have come a long way since John and Abigail Adams exchanged love letters, but unfortunately, not in the right direction.

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